The view from our table: Roy’s Poipu Bar & Grill kitchen

First, a big mahalo to the friends who recommended Roy’s Poipu Bar and Grill to us.  It doesn’t have fancy enclosed gardens lit by propane torches or even much atmosphere at all.  It lives and dies by its food—which is mind-blowingly good—and the staff’s attention to detail. We wanted a salad, and decided to use that as an opportunity to check out their menu.

Roy’s Grilled Baby Romaine Salad with Blue Crab and Tobiko

But then the salad, a grilled baby romaine salad with blue crab, tobiko (flying fish roe) and a wasabi parmesan dressing was SO good, we had to continue with the Canoe for Two appetizer platter, which had samples of five of their appetizers. As Cyndi tried each one, she instantly declared it her favorite.  Szechuan BBQ ribs with the most amazing Mongolian sauce, Seafood Moon raviolis with Portuguese sausage, shitaki mushrooms and essence of lobster, Wild Boar Lumpia, Korean Kalbi beef gyozas and seared shrimp sticks that ROCKED.

Roy’s Canoe for Two Pupu Platter: Left to Right: Mongolian Ribs, Ocean Moon Ravioli, Wild Boar Lumpia, Korean Kalbi Beef Gyoza, Seared Shrimp Sticks

Five-for-five out of the park, and the salad made six, so we decided to try the crab cakes.  Seven for seven.  By that time we were done, but mentioned that we’d be back for Cyndi’s birthday on Monday, at which point our waiter disappeared and brought us back a Happy Birthday Chocolate Decadence dessert, which made it a stellar eight for eight on the evening.  We’ll not only be back Monday, we’ll be looking forward to it until then.

[When we went back, we had a full pupu order of the ribs.  Pupu means “small dishes” rather than appetizers.  Most dishes on their menu were available as a half-order on the pupu menu.]

But I promised a tale of TWO restaurants, so for comparison, I offer up The Hukilau Lani in Kapa’a.  Now I’m such a foodie, and have loved cooking for such a long time, that I tend not to go off on restaurants unless they really deserve it.

Given that, I have one question for TripAdvisor reviewers: “What on EARTH possessed you to rate Hukilau Lanai in Kapa’a as Number 1 out of 286 restaurants on Kauai?”  I can unequivocally say that was the worst meal and the worst meal-time experience we’ve had since we’ve been here, on either island.  It was not only disappointing, it was completely disappointing.  (Well, that’s not quite true.  The $5.00 Wally Salad that comes free as the dinner salad with entrees was excellent.  Too bad the entrees dropped the ball and kicked it under the table.)

You can look at Cyndi’s review of it for the blow-by-blow, but first impressions count, and I can’t remember a snottier, more condescending hostess.  She was so patronizing to us that I actually confronted her to her face after our meal, which anyone who knows me knows is definitely NOT my style.  She basically just shrugged with the barest hint of a lame excuse about reservations… in a half empty restaurant.

How disappointing was it?  This should give you an idea:  the waiter, who did everything right, asked the usual “So how’s everything tasting?” and Cyn mentioned that the one fish, the walu, was really good, not knowing that she’d have to pay for it in the bathroom later.

That was really the waiter’s only gaffe: failing to mention that many people have (sometimes severe) gastric distress from the wax esters in walu.  It’s really a succulent fish owing to its fat content—up to 25%—but you’ll only find walu on the duo platters these days, so that it’s kept to a 3-4 oz. portion, because it’s not recommended to eat more than 6 oz.  Cyn found she’s sensitive enough to it to get the nasty symptoms with 3 oz.

He then asked me how mine was.  Mine was shutome (Hawaiian broadbill swordfish, which I LOVE but rarely eat because of the mercury.) It’s one of the world’s premier grilling fish, but this was not grilled.  It was a too-thin portion rolled in sesame seeds and baked lightly enough that the sesame seeds were not even toasted—which deprived it of the only flavor it would have had besides the sauce.  It was fish for people who hate fish.  The sauce was good, but you can’t really hide a tasteless preparation of fish with sauce, so I just said “It’s OK”, in a tone of voice that said “barely” and he instantly offered to trade it for something else.

The problem was (and this is nearly unthinkable to me given how much I like to try new dishes) I didn’t WANT to try any of their other dishes.  So far they’d struck out on every dish but one, so I had no faith that their other dishes would be any better.  The only thing ordering another dish was likely to do was waste more of our time.  That’s a sad commentary on a restaurant.

I guess we should have known what to expect based on the fact that the “hostess” seemed mostly concerned about whether we should be denied a view because we had the temerity to try to change our reservation to 5 PM, NOT a heavy dining time in Hawai’i.  So, people come here for the garden view, not the food.  Got it.  Go to Keoki’s Paradise if you want a nice tropical garden setting AND great food.

By the way, at Roy’s back in Poipu, the woman next to us had shutome, but it was a nice thick portion, GRILLED, then crusted on top with macadamia nuts, and she was raving about it.

Perhaps Hukilau Lanai just had a bad day, but to strike out as completely as that with a couple of foodies like us, I’m guessing they must have lots of bad days.

Don’t believe Trip Advisor on this one.  They’re simply wrong.  All I can assume is that Hukilau Lanai used to be better and are now just trying to ride on their “We’re Number One!” laurels, and doing a horrible job of it. I have no idea, but personally I’d choose ANY of the restaurants we’ve been to, including the shrimp stands, food trucks and even the shave ice vendors, before I’d return to Hukilau Lanai.

Addendum: Oddly enough, while we were driving in to the Taste of Hawaii this morning, we picked up a hitchhiker obviously trying to get there, as well.  The shuttle left from the grounds of the Coconut Marketplace, which also houses the Kauai Coast Resort and its restaurant, the Hukilau Lanai.  Our new passenger made some comment as we passed it about us having to try the Hukilau Lanai, and we both jumped on it at once.  We got as far as our first encounter, and she said “Oh, that’s [name redacted]… she’s a real b*tch, but she’s leaving and we all couldn’t be happier.  She fancies herself an actress, so this job and its customers are beneath her.”  Oh.  And here I thought she just hated people.  Not a good quality in a hostess.